It is the second day of the state math test at Harrison Avenue Elementary School in Westchester County, New York. Persee, the perseverant puppy mascot, sits on top of the smart board in a third grade classroom, a reminder to students of the instruction they have been given throughout the school year that “perseverance pays off!” When faced with a challenging question, Persee reminds these third graders to exhibit an optimistic mindset, use flexible strategies in the face of obstacles, and to treat themselves with kindness and compassion.

What is happening at Harrison Avenue, the elementary school where I work as a school psychologist? And, more importantly, how did we get here?

Persee is part of a transformation taking place where I work as a school psychologist. Our school has joined a larger movement of schools committed to teaching not only academics but also character strengths like kindness, mental flexibility, grit, and self-control. Together with classroom teachers, I am teaching what kindness looks like in each grade, why self-control and grit are important, and how flexibility and problem solving can be used when facing an obstacle.

As part of the fifth grade service club, our fifth grade students are learning more about service. And what better way to give back than to your own community? For the past few years, our fifth graders have served as teachers, role models and accountability partners to our younger students, teaching them what they wish they knew when they were younger.

Having the older students teach these skills is a win-win. I have found, and the research supports, that older students are often more receptive and willing to change when they serve as role models and teachers as opposed to being passive recipients or beneficiaries of information. It is hard for my fifth graders to exhibit poor self-control after they have just finished teaching a lesson to kindergarten students on how “Good things come to those who wait.” Serving as role models creates memorable experiences for all involved (the teachers, older and younger students).

Through this work, I have noticed students seeking out more opportunities to be kind. For example, while walking in the hall, I see students greet each other with big hellos and smiles. They make an effort to hold the door for each other or pick up someone’s pencil. Students have shared with me that they have created a spot on the playground where you can go if you don’t have anyone to play with, and others know to join you there. In this way, the students create ripples of kindness that affect the whole school community.

Students are also being more deliberate and strategic in the use of self-control strategies. They are avoiding temptations (putting away supplies that distract them) or reframing those temptations (Is it worth it to play with the little papers in my desk?) instead of relying on willpower alone. They are learning to be more flexible when it comes to solving academic problems or taking turns at recess. By learning to embrace challenges, they are becoming more willing to take on hard things. Instead of taking failures personally, they are viewing them as part of the process that leads to success.

By directly and explicitly teaching the character skills students need to succeed, we are preparing them to be tomorrow’s leaders.  I am proud to be part of a school that is committed not only to growing children’s academic proficiency, but also to nurturing their character. I know that the students, teachers, and the community at large have all benefited from this work.

If you are interested in joining this world movement to cultivate students’ intellectual minds, as well as develop students’ character strengths and well-being, check out IPEN (International Positive Education Network) https://www.ipositive-education.net/. IPEN is dedicated to a  ‘character + academics’ approach to education around the world.

Save the Date & Join Me: Book Launch – July 9th: 4-6 pm at Barnes & Noble, Eastchester, NY. Please see my website (drbaruchfeldman.com/book) for information about my upcoming book, titled, The Grit Guide for Teens: A Workbook to Help You Build Perseverance, Self-Control, and a Growth Mindset will be released July 1, 2017.

“So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O’Shea,
you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!”
Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You’ll Go!

This year is very special for my family- both my son and my daughter are graduating: my son from high school and my daughter from middle school (the school she has attended since nursery school). It is true what everyone says, “They grow up so fast.” But, what does not have to be true is focusing on the more immediate, but less important aspects of raising children without reflecting on what is important in the long-term. Graduations and transitions naturally lend themselves as periods of reflection. So even if you don’t have a child or student who is experiencing a big graduation, I ask you to stop, reflect, and ultimately share with the children who are in your care what you want for them in the long run, and not just today.

How can you do this? What if instead of one or two select students having to write commencement speeches, the parents teachers, and coaches of the world wrote to their children and students. What would we want to say? Ask yourself, if I needed to write a speech to a child in my life as he or she moved from one transitional place to another, what would the message be? Would it be pick up your coat? Don’t forget to study for math? How did you do on your English test? Or would it be different? Would the content be more about being a person of leadership and support to others? Would it be about finding balance and strength in their lives? Would it be about love and pride? I think you all would agree that the message would be more about the latter questions rather than the former.

So my question to you is, how do we avoid the trap of letting all or most of our conversations with our kids be about the small daily occurrences instead of the long-term picture? As humans we have a natural tendency to focus on the immediate, but not earth shattering, activities in our lives. Stephen Covey labels this tendency as “urgent, but not important” in his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. How can we focus instead on what Stephen Covey calls, “non-urgent, but important.”

One way to accomplish this is to stop, take a moment, and reflect. Even better, write your own commencement speech to your children. In this speech, let the children in your life know how you feel about them. How proud you are of them. What your hopes are for them in the future. Even if the child in your life is graduating from 1st to 2nd grade, write a commencement speech for him or her. Let what you write be a shining light that gives your parenting, teaching, or mentoring its focus and direction.

By the way, as many of you know, I am a big believer of not just “talking the talk,” but also “walking the walk.” So today after I told my son, “he could not leave the house until the clothes were picked up from the bathroom floor,” I also (not right after, but a little later) told him, “I am proud of you and the choices you have made,” and “I love you.” Although the urgency to say the words of love and encouragement was not the same as my request that he clean up and, the fact remains that my son still did not pick up his clothes after I reminded him, I know that ultimately it will be my words of love, encouragement, and pride that will shape my son. Happy graduation to all the graduates and their very proud parents, teachers, and mentors. Wishing you all the best during this busy, but IMPORTANT time of year.

If you choose to do this activity, I would love to hear from you. Send me an email with your commencement speech. And remember, “you’re off to Great Places!” – Caren
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Please check out my website at drbaruchfeldman.com for additional blogs and articles and follow me on twitter at Caren Feldman@carenfeldman. In June, I will be presenting at the Scarsdale library on helping children with stress and worry /car-conference/scarsdale-library-helping-children-teens-worry-stress/ and at the Albert Ellis Institute in NYC on CBT strategies for school age children. /car-conference/workshop-at-the-albert-ellis-institute-cognitive-behavioral-strategies-for-children/
See links for more details.